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Thread: I'm Back!

  1. #351
    Blue32 Guest
    I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. I've been there myself, and had to do the same thing. I think the guilt comes from the fact that I always felt like I just gave up, but it took me a while to realize he had given up years ago. The only thing you are guilty of is loving someone so much, you were willing to put yourself on the back burner for a while. (((HAG HUGS))) to you, and if you need to talk, I'm always available.

  2. #352
    GAdeathhag Guest
    sorry babe- -we are here if you need an ear

  3. #353
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    Again thanks so much Xena and Blue. I probably will need to talk but right now I can't think of anything, too much in my head..
    You're right Blue. I gave up years ago but thought I have to hold on for my son to give him a family. Guess that's why I feel so guilty, I just took his family away.

  4. #354
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    Quote Originally Posted by GAdeathhag View Post
    sorry babe- -we are here if you need an ear
    Thank you too GAdeathhag! Love your avi. I always wanted to go to Disneyland.

  5. #355
    Dollyplum Guest
    Hi Tutters

    Sorry to read your post. I have been there myself and felt for you when I read your post. I am new to the site and look forward to posting with you on happier terms my chick.

    Hugs x

  6. #356
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    Thanks Dolly! Sorry, didn't mean to make you sad! Be sure you will love it on here! There are so many lovely people here! *Welcome and Big hugs*

  7. #357
    Flowergrrl Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by xenaswolf View Post
    Then they weren't friends, were they? You know how to reach me if you need me!
    I agree!... They aren't really friends if that's how they are going to act.

    If there was anyone in this world who could make me feel like a nobody it was definitely him. Just know Tutter there are people who care and you aren't the only one whose had to go through this... Many people do. And, don't ever feel guilty... I felt guilty and then I realized it wasn't my fault. I wasted a lot of time feeling that way when I shouldn't have.

    Talking about it can help a lot. I know it did with me.

  8. #358
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    Probably I will feel better tomorrow. I have a few friends I can talk too and I already talked with lots on my way to reach a decision. It's just that big hole I fell in after bringing my son to bed and reaizing I'm all alone now.

  9. #359
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    You feel guilty because you invested 11 years in that marriage and it didn't work.

    Don't beat yourself up, hun. I would do the same in your position. You made the right choice and in time you will be able to move on. You do have friends here and all our support. Here's to the future! Good luck.
    GOD IS NOT DEAD





  10. #360
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    Thank you so much Cindy!
    It's so good to hear friendly words right now! *hugs*

  11. #361
    Flowergrrl Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by cindyt View Post
    You feel guilty because you invested 11 years in that marriage and it didn't work.

    Don't beat yourself up, hun. I would do the same in your position. You made the right choice and in time you will be able to move on. You do have friends here and all our support. Here's to the future! Good luck.
    Yep Cindy, you hit it directly! After guilt, I got angry because I felt like I could have been spending all my time on so many things.

    Tutter, I took up many things including Yoga, going to the gym, and taking dance classes... It really helped me to relax and get my mind off of things that were bothering me.

    If you would like to talk you can definitely pm me.

  12. #362
    Bayou Voodoo Guest
    Tutter, the guilt will pass soon enough, as you realize that you did the right thing for you. I understand staying for the kids, but believe me they know when you're unhappy, and it makes them unhappy too. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, including your kids. It will all work out and we are all here for you if you need to vent. :-)

    (((Tutter)))

  13. #363
    beatlebaby4 Guest
    so sorry to hear about your troubles and your marriage tutter. It's gotta be rough. Especially at this time of year. I hope you have lots of family around that can help you do what you have to do and can give you lots of moral support and love. Keep you chin up, there are better days ahead.

  14. #364
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    Thank you all so much again! I will make it, I have to make it and I wish I could be angry when I just feel empty and drained. I know my family will support me but they don't know, yet because it just happened and I didn't feel able to tell them tonight. Probably I should just get some sleep and wait for tomorrow.

  15. #365
    Dollyplum Guest
    Oh Tutters, Theres only one thing worse than being in an unhappy marriage for 11 years is being in an unhappy marriage for 11 years and one day. Dont ever feel guilty, whats for you wont go by you. I was never so lonely as I was in my marriage yet I had someone beside me every night?

    Things get easier. x

  16. #366
    Frank 'N' Howie Guest
    Tutter...That whole furniture visual hit me really close to home...I too have that problem...I am a nursemaid, homemaker, and shit taker...I am SOOOOO sorry about that for you...The holidays are bad enough but that crap makes it worse...You will come out a stronger woman and there is someone out there, perhaps right under your nose, that will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be...This is my second go round at marital bliss...I am suckin at it bigtime...

  17. #367
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    Tutter you are so dear to me. I know we are many miles away but please know I am here for you whenever you need me. I don't know what else to say except I love you and I will do anything to make you smile again.
    Wanna see my grandkids?

  18. #368
    **Jenna** Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by tutter1234 View Post
    Sorry again to all who missed me on here but I was going through a very tough time and times ahead will be even tougher.
    Just a few hours ago I ended my marriage of 11 years.
    I couldn't take it anymore to be neglected all the time.
    I feel like shit, guilty and I have no idea what will happen now and if I will still have friends.
    Sorry again, I just had to get it out.....
    Gosh I'm really sorry to hear that tutter.

  19. #369
    JestersKiss Guest

    JestersKiss Back from Africa!

    Hey Im back. Its been alot longer than i anticipated but im back and alive. I have a few scars, on my body and in my heart.

    First about me......The whole trip was going good untill the local military decided that they didnt like us having so many camaras. So they took them all during a road check. After that it was all downhill. kinda.

    Its funny how sometimes when your about as scared and alone as you could possibly be, a stranger or a child in this case, pulls you from your dark place.

    I Volunteered in a hospital, you cant call it a hospital by our standards, (sometimes we dont know how good we got it in US) it was a large tent with three dividers and the staff stayed in a shack out back that i swear used to be an outhouse. Anyway i connected with a 12 year old girl there that was burned by her father. It was bad, but i always tried to smile when she was awake. She was in alot of pain and knew she didnt look good. I heard her on many mights sobing and i think praying in her native tounge. I guess i just hoped she was praying. It made me feel better i guess thinking that she could rely on God.

    Anyways there was little we could do at this hospital and i tried to get her moved to a better place. But it did not happen. Just a reminder now, this isnt a movie and its definitly not hollywood. I will have a sad ending, just like thousands of others in this part of Africa, it ends with tears and heartbreak.

    Anyway i had a day off and stopped in to see her. She was smiling and in good spirits. i sat with her for awhile and shared a coke with her. She tried to talk to me for the first time. I did not know what she was saying. The the girl working that night, a native, told me that she wanted me to promise to come back and visit. It seemed like a simple promise, so i made it. I went out that night with a couple of guys i had become friends with on the trip, one was a firefighter from Seattle and the other from somewhere in Virginia. We went to this little bar that had always been friendly to us before. But things had changed as soon as we walked in. There as military guys everywhere. And harassing everyone. I found out later that the owner was supposed to pay him every month some money. For what ever reason he was short and wanted something else besides money in trade. The leader of this group of men wanted the owners wife. Well the owner wasnt up for that i guess. so he was stalling. It was the owners lucky day that three americans were worth much more. When we walked in the owner with tears in his eyes said take them instead and pointed to us. The dude looked at us and yelled something to his gaurds and they all pulled thier weapons. We were loaded in a flatbed and i said something to Jerry, dude from seattle and the next thing i know im in a jail cell bymyself with a knot on the back of my head.........

  20. #370
    pvezz Guest
    What??? OMG!!!

  21. #371
    JestersKiss Guest
    ..........I thought about alot of things sitting in his hole, that became my comfort area. I hit the full range of emoitions. I got water everyday by a man that was clearly 70 plus years old and skinny, i never seen someone in person so skinny, even the crack whores id seen on the ambulance had more meat on them.....they feed me once a week, Rice.....rice....rice......Sometimes if i was lucky there would be bugs in it. I know i Know.............But yes i had to. I needed all i could get if i was gonna make it out.....I often thought of that promise i made to the girl that i didnt even know her name. It seemed like years but it was only 1 month. One day they just opened the door and told me to get out. I did. They told me to leave. I did. I still have not seen my two friends or had any contact with them. I walked for awhile. Had just got on the road headed twards where i thought the hospital was. A man with a donkey saw me and let me walk with him and share his water. When i got to the hospital. The girl had died. It killed me, like it was my own daughter. I remember i sat on a log beside our shack and cried for about 10 minutes. and guess wgat poped in my head all of a sudden. FAD. I dont know why, maybe because we have all read about deaths and seen horrible pictures of things. But somehow It comforted me knowing that there was group that understood death maybe better than anyone anywhere and they where toghether prob. at that very moment talking about M. Monroe or JFK or someother back yard killing. Or maybe just playing the name game or asking what we are listning to right now. Or writting a story about a Jester. All i can say is it just comforted me. Thanks FAD and all the friends i met here. It wasnt the last time i would think of all of you here.........I will write more later. Got go get control of myself and take a few breaths. Her name was Shayla.
    Last edited by JestersKiss; 12-14-2008 at 05:46 PM.

  22. #372
    pvezz Guest
    Wow. I cannot even imagine.

  23. #373
    hoxharding Guest
    Incredible-

  24. #374
    Frank 'N' Howie Guest
    You are the BOMB!!! Nice work Jester!!! You put alot of us to shame!!!

  25. #375
    JestersKiss Guest
    Wasnt trying to put anyone to shame. Sorry if i made you feel bad. I was just sharing. Maybe i shouldnt do this here.
    I was trying to convey that i knew there was people out here that understood what death looked like and felt like and could understand and i could talk to. maybe its too early for me to do this. Sorry again

  26. #376
    JestersKiss Guest
    My Sister says hi and sorry for not posting, she was afraid i was dead and did not know what to say.

  27. #377
    NOVSTORM Guest
    No need to be sorry,we all missed you and wondered what was happening to you.
    You went to help and you did. Now to understand this little girl knows what happened to you and she is probably very proud of you for puting your life at stake to even go over there to help. I will pray that you hear from your friends so you can be at peace with knowing they are all right.
    You did a wonderful unselfish thing, be proud and not sorry for sharing. We can only guess what you are going thru rigtht now but share with us, so we can feel it with you.

  28. #378
    JestersKiss Guest
    Thanks Nov. I havent shared with anyone since i got back, except my sis. Just reading posts from you and Hox and others make my eyes well up. It just seemed what i and others were doing over there was so insignificant at the time, i mean no one seemed to care. I have alot more stories, there was so much pain and suffering there. Aids has devestated the area i was in. Also the goverment is so currupt that even if you could help its too dangerous to do so. Sometimes if i was having trouble with figuring something out, or if i couldnt remember something, i would always think...i i could get to FAD someone there would have the answer. Silly that im thinking about Death Hags while children are dying all around me. But i did. and i was never ashamed. Of course i never told anyone, most had never seen a computer.

  29. #379
    NOVSTORM Guest
    That isnt weird, we all seem to go to the group when we need advice or opinions . It is great to have people that can and are willing to help.
    Those poor people. I think of my kids and the long list for Santa and those kids are lucky they get a bowl of soup. I wish I knew where I could send boxes of clothing for these kids and toys because I have many boxes of perfectly good clothing and unbroken toys . We can cry about what we dont have but then there are others who have nothing if you know of any way I can send things over there or an address I can send them to please let me know, I am not kidding about boxes and boxes of clothing and dolls and toys.

  30. #380
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    Jess, the people you were helping certainly cared about what you were doing!
    You did a wonderful thing going there and helping. Wish I had those kind of cojones.

  31. #381
    Long Gone Day Guest
    I..am..so..sorry..for..what..you..are..going..through..and..know..the..pain..that
    you..feel......Keep..your..chin..up..and..know..that..you..will.have..some
    grieving..to..go..through......It..will..take..time...Hugs..for..you...

  32. #382
    NOVSTORM Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by tutter1234 View Post
    Thank you so much Xena!
    I really need a few friendly words now.
    I guess I will see. But there sure will be friends who will blame me for everything. That's how it is always.

    That always happens in a divorce. People take sides. I have been there too the best thing I ever did was move out of the area and stay away from people that had something to say that I knew would bother me. You find out who your friends are now so dont be surprised when you lose some. YOU have to do what is best for you and if people dont like it..well to be blunt fuck em. It is going to be tough for the holidays so we will be here for you if you need a good cry.

  33. #383
    trose Guest
    I don't have the intestinal fortitude to go and help - bless you for being one who could. Thanks for sharing your story with us - and keep sharing!

    Glad you are back!
    Tami

  34. #384
    Chevyheaven Guest
    YAY!!!!!!!!!! Welcome back man!! Good to see you!! Ya gotta alotta catchin up to do!!

  35. #385
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    Welcome back Sugar! Africa is something else, isnt it? Glad you are back in the States.

  36. #386
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    Thank you all so much for your support! I didn't expect all those kind words and it means very much to me!!!
    I was able to sleep a little by now and I know I will come through. I didn't expect him to beg me to try again nor would I have wanted to try cause feelings are long dead but it hurt that all he worried when I told him, that I'm going to leave was the financial situation. I still feel like shit. I think it's "just" the feeling that I was obviously not good enough and not able to make it work.

  37. #387
    trose Guest
    What was weird for me was I felt guilty because I "hurt" my first husband when I left him. What snapped me out of that was when I realized he certainly didn't feel guilty all the times he literally hurt me.

    The guilt will pass - and you will be stronger for this experience, and I'd bet a better mother to your son as well. Things will get better, it just takes some time.

    Tami

  38. #388
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    Thank you so much! I don't think I hurt him, only one I hurt is my son and that is the toughest. He was sick this morning when he got up for school and so I left him home and off school.

  39. #389
    JestersKiss Guest
    So that was just one thing.......When they kept me captive and tried to hold as ransom, they took my passport and work visa. Or so i thought. I spent a few days trying to get somebody to do something about what happened to me. Of course thier local goverment basicly told me to pack sand. The American embassy told me that they were not aware that we were even in the country, no body had told them,,,blah blah blah. I needed to get there if they were going to help but they did not advise me to travel without the papers because i might get arrested again. So i found a phone and called my sister and told her to try and fix this from her end. and i went back to work, trying to keep a low profile.

    I went and visited the house that Shayla supposedly lived at before she got burned. There was some small kids there, they were afraid of me and hid when they saw me. They wouldnt talk to me. I went back from time to time, i never saw an adult there, i kept bringing food everytime i visited, the kids never talked to me, always acted scared, but they ate the fruit and candy i brought with me. I asked the neighbors about them one day, they just shooed me away. I asked at the hospital and they didnt think it was a good idea for me to go there. All i wanted to know was where i could pay my respects but no one knew.
    There was a new girl in Shaylas old cot, her name was Nalaiat or something like that, i dont think i ever said it right. She didnt like white people, dint want me to touch her wounds or talk to her. I didnt blame her. She was about 17 and she had been raped by a hunting party of white men and guides. From what i could piece together, the hunting trip didnt go good so they paid the guide to bring them a women. After they raped her they let her go and hunted her. Endend up shooting off her foot. It was still very infected when she got to us. I asked once if the Hunters got caught and was told yes and they were killed on site. All the people that have been here awhile never even showed any kind of emoition or anything when they would tell me this stuff, it was like it happened everyday. Basicly i guess it did. Nalaiat was gone in about a week. She ran away in the middle of the night. Never saw or heard about her again. Her foot was still infected when she left, and she was one of the few young women i might that did not have Aids.................

  40. #390
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    OMG! I just read your story! So happy you got out alive! I can't even imagine what you've been going through but I feel with you! And I don't think it's weird you thought about FAD! So many great people on here!

  41. #391
    Boxofpandoraz Guest
    Tutter, there's not much I can say...I've never been through what you're going through and couldn't even begin to imagine how rough it must be...But I'm sending you hugs and happy wishes and I sincerely am glad to see you back around here.

    Blessings to you and your son.

  42. #392
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    You deserve to be happy. Please be good to yourself..you have friends here.

  43. #393
    Join Date
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    ((((HUGS))))
    Performing my signature monkey hump move since 10/16/2007...

    RIP Dad- 11/14/1947 to 12/16/2013

  44. #394
    Frank 'N' Howie Guest
    Jeebus dude...I have read this thread four times now...this is amazing...It boggles my mind that there are still places in this world where human beings are treated with less respect than farm animals...You need to have this story on "Locked up Abroad" on Nat Geo...This story is as good or BETTER than the stuff they have on there...

    I admire you for wanting to do work like that in Africa...Africa is SO dangerous and it just amazes me that for whatever reason it is that they are fighting they can't just move on and try to find some peace...

    I'm sure the little girl knew something had happened to you...This may sound strange but perhaps she did have a strong faith, thought you had passed away, and died herself with the thought that maybe she would meet you on the other side...She knows now what happened to you...Maybe she will be your guardian angel...when you described her I could just see her face...Dear Lawd the brutality...Dear goodness...

    I cannot imagine how painful some of the memories are that you have...PLEASE, feel free to share them when and if you can...I have not been this interested in a thread in I couldn't tell you when...My heart is actually acheing...And I am on the verge of tears...It is HARD to get this ol bird to cry...I think you may have hit that one "OH MY GOD" nerve...

    Glad you are back, glad you are safe, and I am honored that you would think about FAD in a time where all looked so bleak for you...HUGS!!!

  45. #395
    Mrs. Watson Guest
    Jester, I think I can speak for all of Death Hags when I say we're proud of you.

    You may only be one person, doing a small part in a huge mess, but I know you made that little girl's life a little happier for at least a moment. And that means a lot.

  46. #396
    MbalmR Guest
    What a remarkable and heart rending tale, Jester. We're all glad to have you back safe and sound. May God bless you for your good work, your efforts, and your courage to get through that ordeal.

  47. #397
    Sharmika Guest
    Jester, I hope you realize that you may have very well been the heart light to a little girl that had been in darkness all her life. We've never spoken before, but I'm so very proud of you.

    God bless you.

  48. #398
    Join Date
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    I'm proud of you too. I agree with what Sharmika said. Please come back and share more of your stories.

    Welcome home.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Wow, that was some huge-open-mouthed-but-totally-straight-bromance greeting. (爆)~RaRa

  49. #399
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    Jester, what an experience! God bless you for what you did - even if you helped only 1 person it was worth it. Most people would not risk their safety to go over there but you did. And you are a changed man because of it. By telling Shayla's story she will never die. Bless you for getting these peoples stories out.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  50. #400
    sunshine2828 Guest
    I am speechless.....so happy that you are back safe and sound. What an incredible story and thing you did for those people who needed you. I hope that the 2 men you met and were imprisoned with are doing well also.

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