It is good that you talked to them. Reading your story is just amazing - thank you so much for sharing it with us.Originally Posted by JestersKiss
Tami
It is good that you talked to them. Reading your story is just amazing - thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Tami
Bless you Jester, Bless you. Keep seeing your Doc and add a therapist to your list. You are a Hero, but it's not an easy road. You will be haunted by all you've seen but your deeds will be your light to carry on. Find a support group of vets and Dr's that have seen carnage as well. Remember all of us here when you feel alone, know that you are loved are doing righteous deeds.
I pray you heal from what you have seen and done. If you can go back, that would be good, but you can never go back again, that will be good too.
May your Angels walk with you always, and no that no soul is alone. All those you have helped , tried to help, or couldn't help have thier Angels too.
::::Bows to a True Hero::::
RIP Shayla and all those who have died in this darkness
Ok, to quickly give an overview of the rest of my trip.
After leaving that last village i wrote about, we were headed back to the Embassy to take care of my earlier problems. On the way there at a check point, we were searched and detained, come to find out our guide was thier illegally. And while he was being interrigated, the dropped a dime on someone who might have killed one of thier own millitary peeps. ME. To make a long story short. too late.
He stayed in the country. I when to a jail cell. It was heaven compared to the last one. They actully treated me pretty good. I got food, a couple phone calls, they even let me or maybe it made me, take care of thier wounded soldiers, or where they mercenaries. Anyways, for two months i sat around this place. thinking about everything from, Shayla to Louis, to home and fad. Then one day a white man in a suit came into my cell, said my sister had hired him to get me out of Africa. And if i was ready to go, he had a car waiting. I cryed for about 10 minutes. And then we just walked out, drove straight to an airport, ahd whoosh off to London, transfer flights, NYC was next. My sis was at the airport, i grabbed and hugged, thanked her alot, cryed alot more, kissed the sidewalk outside the airport. Hotel, shower, BV and COKE best i ever had. Meeting with some goverment officials. Signed a document about being quiet for a few monthes untill they could go kick some bootie. Dinner that i puked up immediatly after. Stomach wasnt ready for a greasy burger. and know im home trying to put the pieces back together.
I have more stories of encounters, and patients i cared for. I have more names i will share, so you too can feel what im feeling. The Doc wants me to write it all down as i remember.
I am having a very hard time as Christmas gets closer. There is so much pain out there in the world, how can i possibly be joyous. But im working on it.
Last edited by JestersKiss; 12-20-2008 at 12:35 PM.
Jester, no matter what you do or I do or anyone does, there will always be someone in pain. Don't blame yourself for not being able to heal everyone, it's just not possible.
You..are..a..very..brave..and..kind..man.......Please..continue..to..share..
what..happened..if..it..doesnt..make..you..too..depressed..afterwards..The
more..you..get..it..out..the..better..it..is..and..know..that..it..takes..a..lot
longer..to..get..over..what..youve..been..through..no..matter..how..much
you..would..like..to.....It..will..seem..unreal..your..current..life..for..quite
awhile.....My..best..to..you..and..be..kind..to..yourself....
Something thats starting to piss me off. I should maybe start a new thread for this. But here goes. People that are supposed to be my friends, treating me different, or just avoiding me. I mean nobody on here has done this, you have all been great and no one has ever even met me.(as far as i know). But people that have been life long pals and friends, all of a sudden that think they gotta walk on eggshells or something. If they ask me about what happened i tell them a little. Others .....aghhh
For example.... A buddy i hung out with alot, ive asked if he wanted to go do lunch and catch up, or go grab some drinks. He was blowing me off for weeks, finally his girlfriend calls today and told me that he doesnt want to talk about things that happened to me, he has heard some pretty bad things from the rest of our friends and he doesnt think he could handle it......HE Doesnt think HE can handle it. And the rest of my friends .....Have i become thier topic of closed doors conversations. Man we were a close bunch before,,,no secrets we helped each other out and now they want to be all secretive. Its not like im dying of cancer or something. LETS JUST TALK,,,,DOUCHE BAGS!
Sorry im done
Ive..just..gone..through..the..same..thing.....with..people..not..wanting..to..hear.. about
what..happened..so..I..stay..alone..and..have..isolated..myself.....Unfortunately,..m ost
people..only..want..to..hear..good..things...Please..keep..talking.....They..dont..un der-
stand......It..is..a..very..lonely..place..to..be.......Not..only..living..through..s omething
like..that...but..then..the..reaction..from..other..people.....It...alters..your..who le..life.
Im..glad..you..have..the..people..on..this..board....
Drinking and Antidepressants and Holiday are not a good combo ive decided
Renowned Death Hag
Honey..I could have told you that!
Im ending this thread, goodnight and farewell
Renowned Death Hag
???????
Renowned Death Hag
Dude..dont scare me!
Renowned Death Hag
Jester...answer me!
Renowned Death Hag
crap...i dont know how pm's work!
Dude,,,,i just ment i was tired of reading this thread im sure everyone else is too. Im not gonna do that. Thanks for caring though.
Hey Jest...You have to do what you have to do...But I am not tired of listening...If you feel like postin about it you can count me in as an avid reader...I'm sure I'm not the only one...Hugs...
Renowned Death Hag
Hey Jester. I just found this thread, been busy, not much time spent here. I am in awe of you. You make me glad my daughter is here, and appreciate her safety in this country, in spite of all it's problems. Take good care of yourself. Your sis sounds awesome!
Renowned Death Hag
Jester, it's too bad your friends can't handle it...you can share with us, tho.
And if you get to a point where you just don't want to think/talk/be asked about it, sometimes its good to have people in reserve who don't know/don't ask.
I'm thinking way way back; some friends of our were trying to have children, and went through a series of ultimately unsuccessful treatments. They deliberately didn't tell a big group of us, although we were all close. They said later that it was nice to be able to meet friends and not get the sympathetic looks, questions, unsolicited advice, stories, etc.
So while these friends of yours sound like they suck a bit, perhaps you can keep some friends in the dark, for when you just need to put all this stuff down for a minute and just be with people.
anyway, you've got busloads of us here rooting for you and supporting you.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Wow, that was some huge-open-mouthed-but-totally-straight-bromance greeting. （爆）~RaRa
I hope you continue here Jester. But if you don't want to for your own sanity then don't. But you're not boring me and I would love to hear more about your thoughts on all this.
Renowned Death Hag
phew.
and BTW..Im a dudess.
Sorry,lolphew.
and BTW..Im a dudess.
Im better now,,,,worked a shift, got some priorites straight. Spent some time on the phone with Sis , talked to my nephew, striagtened me out in only the way a innocent child can.
Thanks every one. I will continue to post. Sometimes i just need to vent, and i went on a pity party for a bit. My doc says i got a peek of the world as not many get to see it. I have to find a way to deal with that knoledge and use it in a possitive way. Im gonna try. Last night i slept all night and no dreams, first time since i got home. Baby steps, and "Just keep Swimming" as Dora would say.
Ok i will post a possitive story here today. Thanks Again.
Early one morning, about a week in Africa. I was listening to all the new sounds, new birds, some kinda animal calling in the distance. Watching some children playing in a river. Catching fish with thier bare hands, laughing, throwing soft mud at each other. Dunking each other. I had a cup of coffee in my hand just letting Africa soak in. Its was beutiful. I look back now and see all the dark, ugly stuff that fills my mind. But this moment seeps thru the darkness and makes me smile. It was warm, the sun was beating down and soon it would be causing sweat, but for now it was nice. The kids musta thought so too. The played without a care in the world. Like the pain that swarmed around them in the shadows didnt even exsist this day. Soon the kids would all disappear from this place, slowly headed back to the safety of thier huts and chores. There was a young girl that showed up about the time my cup was empty. She had to be 16 or 17, I pray 18. She was an African beauty. Perfect. She stood and spoke to the children, they showed her respect, and then they all laughed together. This young woman, who was dressed in tradition tribal cloth. ( translates: bare chest ) She was beautifull. If i was to guess what an African Tribal Princess looked like, this was it. Her skin shimmered with the sun. Her smile could melt all the snow we have here at home. Her posture was perfect and gracefull. I was in love at first sight. I have seen her since, not really but features on people that bring me back to this moment, and it warms me. Slowly the children scirried away back to thier safe places. The Princess slowly walked away from the river twards me, lost in her thoughts she did not notice me until she was but a few feet away. Now up untill this point, most natives had seemed scared of white men. The aways either looked away and avoided eye contact, or they had stone looks on thier faces with a quick glance that said please dont mess with me. It was a look of fear or remembering a past horror.
But this princess looked up at first with a tad bit of shock. I smiled and nodded at her. Her walk paused for just the slightest second, and then she smiled. Not at me, but i felt it in my heart. She smiled as she turned her head away from me ,,,and then she was gone. God i hope she was 18.
Now i believe she knew i was looking at her beauty. She had probably been the prize that hundreds of warriors had or would have fought for. But i stole a smile that day. And it was free. I will remember that small gesture always.
Ok i got broke in the last night. Back to reality. I worked my first shift and thanks to the snow we were doing a little ditch diving.
And some things never change. Saw a kid that has been living on the streets since he was 13, hes 21 now and still living the dream. Thats what he calls it. So last night he is sleeping out side a furniture store, he had made a little cave with garbage couches, has a little fire going for heat. Cop notices the smoke, calls in a fire. We get there there and Jon is defending his "home" Cop tasses him, Jon urinates and falls to ground. We put out fire and now we have to deal with Jon. Jon recognizes me right away, i treated him about two years ago, he got in a fight with a hooker, hooker won and he got 17 stiches under his left eye. Awesome scar. Anyway he recognizes me and begs me to help him. I convince the cop not to arrest him, although it might be the warmest place for him right now. Cop agrees to not press charges as long as we get him to a shelter. Jon agrees after some persuading. His "home" is an igloo now anyway. So on the ride to the shelter, he is telling me about his adventures in the free world. Then he asks me what ive been up too. I hesotate to share with this kid at first, just telling him i spent some time in Africa. But he presses me, what did you do, what did you see, any adventures.....ect.... So i told him a lil bit. Enough to get him thinking. He was amazed. But then he said something that made me think. " So your saying it ainy much different than here, except USA hides it better" Those were his words. and he is kinda right. We got the same going on here, we just dont see it or taste it. Its not all up in your face like it is there.
At the shelter, it said they were full. But my partner has a friend that works there and let him in. It made me think the rest of the night.
A side note, i remembered how to deliver a baby too. It was awesome. 10 fingers, 10 toes.
Merry Christmas every one.
Renowned Death Hag
Dude,
You can sure tell the story! i was right there with you and the kids in the river and I could see the princess. (and Im kind jealous...oh to be that age again!)
And congrats on delivering the baby! Girl or boy?
Boy, poor thing in 20 years hes gonna be asking the question. Why am i a mamas boy, and i will have the answer for him if he looks me up. The woman wore the pants in that family. Im suprized the father wasnt actully carring the kid in his womb.
Renowned Death Hag
If dad HAD a womb, Im sure he would have carried!
She would have made him,,,lol
Or go buy one
Renowned Death Hag
well,,Christmas IS coming....maybe Santa will get him one!
I keep thinking yer a guy, i think its the name JlM <<<<<<see
it looks like Jim....i think thats how i get messed up........JLM JLM JLM.....ok got it
Sorry for the mistake again.
There are times in your life you just have to let go. Like when the girl that broke yer heart in school left ya for someone else. Gotta let go. Like when your mother left your dad on Christmas day. You got to let go. When your dad didnt show up like he promised. You got to let go. When your friends left you drunk and alone in the rain on the side of the road. You got to let go. When your grandfather died of an unexpected heart attack and you didnt get to say one more word to him. You gotta let go. All the promises not kept by others and by you. You got to let go. A little girls wish. You got to let go. Disapointing friends. You got to let go.
Now matter how bad someone hurts you, no matter how deep it scars, no matter how ugly it got, no matter if no one on earth understands. Let it go. All the baggage we carry around and not just the big things but the bad too. We make mistakes daily, not even knowing we are making them. But if we dwell on all the pain and what coulda beens and the dreams we let go and the mistakes and the attacks against us. Well then we go on hurting ourselves and eventully we hurt someone else, even if we dont mean too. and our scars,,,,,,scar them.
So its time for me to just let myself become free. Get healed. No im not saying forget all thats happened, no that would be crazy. Im saying become a better person because of it. Learn,Listen, Live.
Starting today im not holding any grudges. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more dreams dropped. No more saying, they said this and they did that. Im forgiving everybody and moving on. Im gonna live. Im gonna love again. And im gonna be a better person because of it. Someone on FAD taught me this today. They dont even know they did it. But i thank them. And everyone around me should thank them too. I had a break thru and you can too. Thanks again.
Till we read again.
JK
Gotta be at work in 30 minutes, my butt is dragging, my lids are sagging, no coffee yet and im freezing........AGGGGGHHH.
Jester, I have read this thread three times, and I still can't come up with any logical response. All I can think is "Whoa!'. My hat's off to ya.
Buddy...The fact that you can still "ride the bus" and take care of people cleanin out ditches amazes the hell outta me...I worked EMS for a couple of years and there were times I just wanted to tell em all to GET BENT!!! You are a warrior honey...That little African Princess could see it in your eyes...That was probably the first time in her life she didn't feel any fear lockin eyes with a white man...I bet she still thinks about you too...
Here it is Chrismas Eve Morn. Just got off work and walked into my house, something was wrong. No Christmas here. So i just unpacked all the Christmas stuff and threw some stuff up, Fake tree is now up and decorated. HO Ho Ho! I need to sleep but im gonna do some stuff first, made coffee, sat down at FAD and here i sit. Just me this year, gotta work tomorrow on christmas. Feeling the Holiday blues. Ok my pillow is calling me. Hope there is a warm body to cuddle with under the tree this year. Perefrably a hot African Princess,lol. But i will settle for a date with a school teacher, lol. Ok ok. Ill be back in a few hours and post a story about a boy about 16 that i met in Africa, he was torn beetween helping his village and being in the Military.
Renowned Death Hag
Wow, I just finally read this thread...wish I'd done it sooner...man, there's not much I can say, except *hugs*, wish I could really give you a great big hug.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsvGs...feature=colike
My own, personal, Dexter...
In Africa i rarely met a boy over 12 that wasnt in the military or with a mercenary group. While in jail the second time. The gaurds came one day saying they had a hurt comrade. By this time it wasnt unusaul anymore. They had been coming on regular visits asking about all kinds of stuff, from Stomach pain to STDs to gunshot wounds to slivers. I was at a point that i didnt really care, but i always helped them. I know some where probably the ones that were out there slaughtering villages and raping and stealing. But as i look back now im glad i helped where i could. Plus it gave me a chance to get out of my cell and get some fresh air.
On this day they took me to their version of an infirmary. A little room that looked more like an office. Instead of a desk there was a cot in the middle. and one shelf with blankets and small amount of bandages. There was a kid lying there, he looked about twelve but i already was accustomed to the culture, i knew that kids were being recruited at an early age from both sides of the battle. They were dying too, killing thier own tribes man who just happened to be recruited by the other side.
I knelt at the kids side and said whats wrong and the guard quicky pulled back the blanket. Kid was shot in the thiegh and was bleeding pretty good. how long ago i asked and the gaurd said yesterday after a quick three way discussion in thier native tongue. I felt the back side of the kids leg, no hole. Bullet didnt exit. I spoke to the kid as i worled and examined, i knew he did not understand me, i more talked to myself just to make sure i was sane as i worked. I knew i needed to see if i could feel the bullet. I told the gaurds to hold the kid down and tell him this will hurt. They understodd and did it. I stuck my finger in the hole. The kid screamed and tears began to flow, i tried to ignore his cries and work quickly. I felt the bullet, it seeked like it was lodged in his femur , but the only way to tell for sure was an ex-ray. I told them he needed a hospital to remove the bullet. The gaurd laughed and showen me his chest, there was a scar there from a bullet wound. The gaurd laughed, and said, he will live, i did, still got one in me. He laughed some more and left the room.
I started bandageing his leg. It was just me and the Kid. He was still sobbing a bit. When i got done wrapping his leg best i could. I stood to leave, i started to turn to leave but the kid said something in his tounge, i turned and looked into his eyes. I saw everything, right then and there. Fear. There was fear in his brown tear filled eyes. I moved closer to him and he grabbed my hand and squeezed. He spoke something to me, i did not understand. But i did not let go of his hand. I wiped the tears from his face. " I speak america " he said. I was in shock. He held up his other hand to show me little bit. I told him "i was Jesse and he will be OK" He nodded. Dont go he said. Over the next two hours we sat there and communicated as best we could. He was scared, just wanted to go home to his village. He once thought he was doing the right thing, but the things he has seen had taught him he was wrong. But he knew he could not leave now, he would be killed as a traitor. He also knew that his village would not accept him back for all the horrible things he had already done.
I told him that i was sure his mother would take him back no matter what he had done. He explained to me that she would have to hide him, because the military would recruit him one way or another. This young man was in a tough spot, he made me think how many others didnt even choose. They thought they had no chioce. and really most dont.
After awhile, the gaurds came back and made me leave, I thought about this man-child alot. But i thought about the two military men that i had had perconal conflicts with. Were they choosen or did they have a choice. Did it even matter.
I do have choices, that i make everyday. Sometimes i think i take that simple thing for granted.
Renowned Death Hag
12 years old and in the military or with a mercenary group? Good lord, and kids _here_ think they have it bad?
I hope that whatever the war over there is about will be over soon and kids can get back to being kids.
On a side note,,, Merry Christmas, dude! Thank you for working on Christmas to help others!
Jodie Lynne (lol)
It seems as soon as they are old enough to hold a gun and take orders, they either convince them to join or force them. Now those are the villages close to urban areas. The places way out, the men are still in the traditional roles and will have nothing to do with any of thier bloodshed. But many of the locals were afraid that eventully all thier tradition will be lost to Millitary, Aids, Other dieases, lack of clean water, Corrupt goverment who will not allow aid where its needed. But there were lots of people trying to help. Churches on missions, hospital teams, red cross, and just ordinary people with a little money. Its a hard battle, because the whole situation is sad, and everyone seems to think they are more important than thier neighbor. Most are just struggling to survive.
Okay, I don't want to be a bitch or anything, but Jester......
Seriously, do you write novels?
If not, maybe you should.
No i dont Mrs. Watson. Maybe thats what i should do in my spare time, instead of sitting on FAD,lol
I was just sitting here reading some of my old post and threads. Man I was a jerk. Sorry if i offended anyone back then. I was really living with my head up my butt. I geuss ive grown up a little in the last year. Sorry again.
Hmmm. Maybe you should write novels.
Your imagination is certainly active.
Yes, unfortunatly Africa wasnt my imagination.
Indeed?
Ya know...I've come into the game late and I have never read any of your old posts...There are no "jerks" on FAD...We are all here just to have a good time and talk about things that interest us...Sometimes the subject material is a bit...Um...Questionable, but whatever we are chattin about it has substance and everyones voice, no matter how silly, counts and adds pinache to the thread...You have never been a jerk...I don't think you have that ability...I look at my children...Both boys...And think...There are kids their age that are fighting and dying for causes that need not be fought...My oldest is 11...he is wrapped up in his little world and has NO clue that kids his age are being killed sencelessly...The pain and suffering in this world is smoothed over and never mentioned much...I guess they figure that we can't handle it...This story needs to be told...It needs to be read...Not only by FAD members but by the entire population of the USA...Mrs. Watson...Find this man some publishers...Jesse...Get to writin...People need to know from someone like you just what it's like...No propiganda, just an honest, firsthand account of the condition of the world...
Well Good Morning and Merry Christmas!
Renowned Death Hag
And a Merry Christmas to you too
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsvGs...feature=colike
My own, personal, Dexter...
Merry Christmas, Jesters. Thank you for doing what you did in Africa, and continue to do. Many of us here at home are not able to do it. I for one am proud of you and am glad to 'know' you through FAD. Like any other family, FAD 'family' will have problems etc. But we all stick together and support each other always. Take your time finding your way through everything. We will be here for you.
(((hugs for you))) and many thanks from my kids and I
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