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Thread: Rapper Andre Johnson cuts off his own penis

  1. #1
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    Rapper Andre Johnson cuts off his own penis

    Nope, not a typo. According to media reports (TMZ and Fox News) Rapper Andre Johnson cut off his own penis early today. Yes, that means Mr. Johnson cut off his little Johnson. The reports are saying that it was a suicide attempt and after he cut his penis off he jumped off a 2nd floor balcony at 1:00 a.m. today. He was found on the sidewalk screaming (What male wouldn't be screaming?) and taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital. They are reporting drugs were not involved.
    Last edited by Desert Ghost; 04-16-2014 at 01:20 PM.

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    ....but ya doesn't has to call him Johnson
    The Strange Case Of The Missing Corpse
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    What? That's all I can say at this time. Okay, how about "Holy Shit"?

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    Mr Johnson obviously has todge issues. The fact that he didn't bleed out before the ambulance arrived leaves one to believe that he was not hung like Johnny 'The Wad' Holmes. If he were, he would have gushed like a fire hose. One suspects that it was he who was holding the door open when everyone else received their donkey-dongs. His micro-peen, or as we call them in the trade, Johnsonette, probably bled more like a capillary much like a nick when shaving. Hence survival.

    Of course the silver lining in all this is there will be no progeny from this toxic gene pool going forward. The downside (for him) is that masturbation would be conducted with thumb and forefinger. Thank God we have an opposable thumb.
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    He did WHAT? And what did that solve? What the heck made him think "ooh, I do not need my penis."

    Neil, you crack me up.

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    He didn't shoot it off?

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    Quote Originally Posted by RiotBoots View Post
    He didn't shoot it off?
    This could be a contributing medical dysfunction factor.
    I am a sick puppy....woof woof!!!

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    Maybe he's a sexual deviant and decided to do what we usually say sex offenders should do. Or maybe he was suffering from the wrong form of penis envy.
    I am the king of all things stupid!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Desert Ghost View Post
    Nope, not a typo. According to media reports (TMZ and Fox News) Rapper Andre Johnson cut off his own penis early today. Yes, that means Mr. Johnson cut off his little Johnson. The reports are saying that it was a suicide attempt and after he cut his penis off he jumped off a 2nd floor balcony at 1:00 a.m. today. He was found on the sidewalk screaming (What male wouldn't be screaming?) and taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital. They are reporting drugs were not involved.
    when I saw your thread title, I hoped someone would point out the ironic name. thank you for not disappointing!!

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    Last edited by cindyt; 04-16-2014 at 09:08 PM.

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    Well then...as you do

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    Only one comment: WTF?
    Everyone must die but not everyone has lived


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    Quote Originally Posted by McMorbid View Post
    Maybe he's a sexual deviant and decided to do what we usually say sex offenders should do. Or maybe he was suffering from the wrong form of penis envy.
    Could be. Guess we'll find out eventually.
    .

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    Am I a bad person for laughing?

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    It is with deepest regret that before the name was added to the title and all it said was "rapper" I was saddened to learn that is was not Justin Bieber.
    When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a spouse you lose your present. When you lose a child you lose your future.
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    Eeww! Now that's what I call HARD CORE! I wonder if they tried to sew Mr. Johnson's Johnson back on.

    . . . I'm Johnson's Johnson, I come from Wisconsin, I work in a lumber mill there . . .
    Last edited by Rosebud666; 04-17-2014 at 08:41 AM. Reason: Funnier this way



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
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    He needs a Johnson and Johnson band aid.

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    Wow just wow!
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    If my penis hurts for longer than four hours after reading this thread, does that mean I should see a physician immediately?



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009366909869

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    Quote Originally Posted by Squishy View Post
    Am I a bad person for laughing?
    No. I'm at work. Trying to keep a straight face while skimming this thread and dealing with the effers. Since I am facing the window the effers come up to, I am ducking down behind my order-taking registers, trying not to laugh out loud.
    "Tequila may not be the answer, but it's worth a shot."

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    Mine still hurts from reading it yesterday so I think it's perfectly normal.
    I am the king of all things stupid!

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    I just wanna know...WHAT makes a man look at Mr. Winky and say, "Yanno, I really don't need a penis anymore..." *facepalm*
    "Tequila may not be the answer, but it's worth a shot."

    "I am not psychic. I AM psychotic. BIG difference."


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    TMZ is reporting they were unable to reattach...

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    Ria, I just can't imagine ever thinking that. If I'm ever blow in to a bunch of pieces by some unexpected explosion I hope my penis is attached to the largest part of what's left.

    Has anyone ever heard the old urban legend about a man severing his member while tripping on acid? Well that actually happened in my home town once. Seriously. The guy was a coach at a local school and someone thought it would be funny to slip some LSD in his coffee. Apparently he didn't handle it too well and removed his member for whatever reason. He didn't cut it either. He actually pulled it off with his hands. I kid you not. His wife told me the whole story. The guy nearly died too. Now he's severely mentally handicapped. She has to take care of him. I used to cut their grass just to help out but lost contact after they moved to another town nearby.
    I am the king of all things stupid!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rosebud666 View Post
    If my penis hurts for longer than four hours after reading this thread, does that mean I should see a physician immediately?
    Nope Rosebud, you should see a prostitute. :P
    When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a spouse you lose your present. When you lose a child you lose your future.
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    Quote Originally Posted by McMorbid View Post
    Ria, I just can't imagine ever thinking that. If I'm ever blow in to a bunch of pieces by some unexpected explosion I hope my penis is attached to the largest part of what's left.
    Exactly. I know my hubby would feel the same way. Break his arm, crush his foot, whatever....just don't injure his penis.
    "Tequila may not be the answer, but it's worth a shot."

    "I am not psychic. I AM psychotic. BIG difference."


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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerseysucks View Post
    Nope Rosebud, you should see a prostitute. :P
    You read my mind! Can you recommend a qualified professional?

    Seriously folks, I think I need a girlfriend stat.



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
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    Quote Originally Posted by RiaBrown View Post
    Exactly. I know my hubby would feel the same way. Break his arm, crush his foot, whatever....just don't injure his penis.
    If I ever get clobbered at a demonstration, the three things I plan on shielding are my junk, my head, and my guitar - in that order. And my guitar will probably be in front of my junk!

    Maybe Mr. Johnson is getting older and was having trouble hitting the high notes - but then he should have started cutting a little further back/down.



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009366909869

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerseysucks View Post
    Nope Rosebud, you should see a prostitute. :P
    This could be why his penis hurts in the first place.
    I am a sick puppy....woof woof!!!

    Carping the living shit out of the Diem. - Me!!
    http://www.pinterest.com/neilmpenny

  30. #30
    Well, R.I.P. to his penis anyway.

  31. 04-17-2014, 02:50 PM

  32. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by McMorbid View Post
    Ria, I just can't imagine ever thinking that. If I'm ever blow in to a bunch of pieces by some unexpected explosion I hope my penis is attached to the largest part of what's left.

    Has anyone ever heard the old urban legend about a man severing his member while tripping on acid? Well that actually happened in my home town once. Seriously. The guy was a coach at a local school and someone thought it would be funny to slip some LSD in his coffee. Apparently he didn't handle it too well and removed his member for whatever reason. He didn't cut it either. He actually pulled it off with his hands. I kid you not. His wife told me the whole story. The guy nearly died too. Now he's severely mentally handicapped. She has to take care of him. I used to cut their grass just to help out but lost contact after they moved to another town nearby.
    He actually pulled it off? I have heard everything. Wonder how long and hard he had to pull. Oh yuck, the blood.

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    Quote Originally Posted by deleeuw View Post
    Well, R.I.P. to his penis anyway.
    Yes, I believe a penis funeral is in order. Any volunteers to give the eulogy?
    .

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    Quote Originally Posted by SomeChick View Post
    Yes, I believe a penis funeral is in order. Any volunteers to give the eulogy?
    Seems like a typical guy problem to me - finding a place to bury one's penis. Or do you suppose he'll have it cremated and scatter its ashes somewhere - in Justin Bieber's hair, for example?

    Maybe Elton John could convince Bernie Taupin to pen yet another new version of "Candle in the Wind".

    "And it seems to me, your penis was like a candle in the wind
    Never knowing who to turn to when the rain set in
    And I would have liked to known it, but I was just a kid
    Your penis burned out long before your legend ever did"
    Last edited by Rosebud666; 04-17-2014 at 03:59 PM.



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009366909869

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    It's just too bad the (c)rapper didn't die.

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    Where do we give money for the flowers for this penis funeral? Will it be a short memorial or one of those long drawn out affairs? Is it OK to call the deceased penis a stiff?

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    lol @ SheeBee hahahahaha

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    Quote Originally Posted by SomeChick View Post
    Yes, I believe a penis funeral is in order. Any volunteers to give the eulogy?
    I do! I do!

    As a licensed member of the Clergy (Universal Life Church, Modesto, CA) Fuck Yeah!; I'll do it!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rosebud666 View Post
    Seems like a typical guy problem to me - finding a place to bury one's penis.
    LOL! True, but LOL!

    Quote Originally Posted by SheeBee View Post
    Where do we give money for the flowers for this penis funeral? Will it be a short memorial or one of those long drawn out affairs? Is it OK to call the deceased penis a stiff?
    PM me and I'll give an address where you can send a check or pay via Paypal.

    How long?

    I think about two minutes of women laughing and men shaking their heads, "No, not me", should pretty much say all that needs to be said.
    A faulty hypothesis forming:
    A German scientist using Iranian physics and French mathematics.



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    One of his friend's said that he must be mentally ill. All I could think was duh? People who are mentally healthy certainly don't do this.

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    THis isn't even funny. I hope thoughts & prayers are with the family & I hope he gets help. Seriously if your best friend was in emotional pain & did something like this, would you laugh???
    <img src=http://i42.tinypic.com/etsi8j.jpg border=0 alt= />

  42. #41
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    Well, it's not funny to me, either, Tiff, but this rapper set himself up for a laughingstock. Laugh or don't laugh, to each his/her own.

  43. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by JimC View Post
    I do! I do!

    As a licensed member of the Clergy (Universal Life Church, Modesto, CA) Fuck Yeah!; I'll do it!



    . . .
    How long?

    I think about two minutes of women laughing and men shaking their heads, "No, not me", should pretty much say all that needs to be said.
    That's nice . . . you seldom hear a member (of the clergy, that is, not Johnson's member) of the clergy drop a good F-bomb these days.

    Am I the only one who read "how long?" and heard my inner Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. echoing "not long!"?

    Anyway, we know that funerals are mainly for the survivors.



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009366909869

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    I've never heard of him before this... Wonder if it's going to become the next new trend thing too do for celebrities seeking attention? This definitely blows Lohans rehab relapses outta the water!
    ​"I wish I could just hug you all, but I'm not gonna."

    ~Layne Staley


  45. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by JimC View Post
    I do! I do!

    As a licensed member of the Clergy (Universal Life Church, Modesto, CA) Fuck Yeah!; I'll do it!
    Your sermons sound like they could be interesting. Do you do holy wine-bongs at your church?
    I am a sick puppy....woof woof!!!

    Carping the living shit out of the Diem. - Me!!
    http://www.pinterest.com/neilmpenny

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    For once I'm speechless.
    Everyone must die but not everyone has lived


  47. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rosebud666 View Post
    That's nice . . . you seldom hear a member (of the clergy, that is, not Johnson's member) of the clergy drop a good F-bomb these days.
    I am ordained motherfucker!

    Seek the truth in me before I bitch slap your ass into eternity.

    Or maybe I've had too much to drink; and we can discuss your future in eternity later,
    A faulty hypothesis forming:
    A German scientist using Iranian physics and French mathematics.



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    A stiff, hahaha!

    All ye who wish to eulogize the penis' passing are welcome to do so. Collaberate even. So sayeth the book of something somewhere, so it shall be.
    .

  49. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by JimC View Post
    I am ordained motherfucker!

    Seek the truth in me before I bitch slap your ass into eternity.

    Or maybe I've had too much to drink; and we can discuss your future in eternity later,
    Can you give me the last rites long distance, your Motherfuckerness? I'm dying of laughter here.

    At least you're not something weird like Sanctified Methodist.

    Oh, and I couldn't help noticing that they were evidently big on Carl Rogers at your seminary, too. Very good non-directive counselling there!



    You be careful out among them English.
    Don't mess with the banjo player - he's hard core, dude!
    Catch my music on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9ve...aaqUrXEEcb50Y2
    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009366909869

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    Last night, a guy came into our store and bough a Wu-Tang Gang CD....I wonder if he still has his penis this morning?!?!?


    Casper, I love you so much baby boy... waking up with you in the house is a blessing every day! Thank you for filling our home and hearts with so much love, joy, laughter and ever so sweet Sammy smiles! We belong together! XOXOX

  51. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rosebud666 View Post
    Seems like a typical guy problem to me - finding a place to bury one's penis. Or do you suppose he'll have it cremated and scatter its ashes somewhere - in Justin Bieber's hair, for example?

    Maybe Elton John could convince Bernie Taupin to pen yet another new version of "Candle in the Wind".

    "And it seems to me, your penis was like a candle in the wind
    Never knowing who to turn to when the rain set in
    And I would have liked to known it, but I was just a kid
    Your penis burned out long before your legend ever did"
    Rosebud I don't remember when it was but a hiker got caught in some kind of crevasse and had a very large bolder pin his arm. He cut his own arm off with a pocket knife.
    He had it cremated and went back to the spot where it happened and spread the ashes.
    When you lose a parent you lose your past. When you lose a spouse you lose your present. When you lose a child you lose your future.
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