Members here funnier than "Sh*t My Dad Says."

[Dr. Fishhead]

Thanks again everyone! You all make an old hag feel good.

Okay, PurrPurr, there is a story about what you quoted. I had a housecat that my husband surprised me with when she was six weeks old. She was black and marbled looking with tan on her. As soon as she got old enough to start going into heat, did she ever. She was unbearable to be around with the howling, climbing walls, climbing curtains, running up and down the hall as fast as possible and sounding like a horse in the process, and humping on anything she could get hold of. I know she couldn't help it, but it was unnerving and disgusting. We finally took her and had her spayed and all was well, for about three months, then it started back over again. We were in total disbelief. She acted just exactly like she did before being spayed. We called the vet who did her surgery and he said it was possible that a tiny bit of an ovary may have been missed, but it of course would require another surgery. We asked if it would be included in what we already paid. Duh, of course not. So, he did another surgery and did indeed find a little bit of ovary that he had missed the first time. We take her home and all is well for another couple of months. Guess what? It started all back over again, after basically being spayed twice. We decided that the vet must have been a quack and took her to another vet in another county. He checked her out and shocked the hell out of us. He said that one in every thousand cats who are spayed can regenerate ovaries. Yes, we had the one in a thousand cat. No matter how many surgeries this cat could have, eventually her ovaries would grow back. I know this sounds insane, but it's what he told us and we had never heard of such a thing and weren't real happy after spending over six hundred dollars on this "free kitten" and still putting up with her horny self. So, to make a long story slightly less long, the vet put this cat on birth control pills designed specifically for cats called Ovaban. We had to give her one pill a week for the rest of her life or put up with her in heat. The pills cost $1.15 each and this vet in another county that was an hour from where we live is the only place around where they were available. If anyone has tried to force a pill down a cat's throat, they know what an adventure this turned out to be. The pills also took a couple of weeks to have any effect on her behavior. Those were two weeks from hell. We live close to train tracks and never hear trains go by when we are asleep, but you could hear this cat howling over anything else in the home. My son woke up one morning and she had come into his room. She woke him up hunching away on his head and pillow and there were little wet spots where she had been. Yes, little wet spots. He puked because of it. That long and likely boring story is the reason for my advice. Weird huh?

I've been away for far too long. Just read this. Laughing my arse off right now.

I used to have a cat who would get a boner everytime I petted him. That was some sick shit. Glad he's gone now. He was my stepdad's cat anyways.

[Mammy]

I've been around animals most of my life, but indoor pets were a major no-no when I was a kid. That is just the way we were raised and my parents are still like that. I never want another indoor pet as long as I live, not even so much as a hermit crab. One of my grandsons is allergic to cats and dogs, so we won't have any more animals inside. I loved both of my cats and took very good care of them. Hell, they got better medical treatment than I do since I always made sure they were healthy and up to date on vaccinations. That's gross about your stepdad's cat getting a boner every time you petted him. He must have been REALLY glad to see you! LOL The only horny creature I care to spend any time around is my husband. I'm glad to see that you have been on the forum, TM, and I hope you are here more often.

Police Blotter is my favorite section of the forum, too. I especially love to see old cases solved where people have thought they have gotten away with murder and then SURPRISE, they get to spend their golden years in prison! So, go ahead asshole and be all smug, tell everyone you know how smart you are, how you have got away with murder for twenty years and the cops are too stupid to arrest you. We'll see how smug you are when some young buck is pouring it to your geriatric old ass and you can't get away, just like your victim, huh? Wanna know who I'm talking about? I started a thread for Patsy Calloway who was brutally murdered in 1993 by her ex brother-in-law and his wife. They were finally arrested just this past fall.

[Alanwench]

"The only horny creature I care to spend any time around is my husband."

[Mammy]

Hey, that's the God's honest truth! Lol

[PurrPurr]

On operating the DVD player when grandkids wanted to see a movie:

Little Miss Attitude, weighing in at an astounding 32 pounds, put her hand on her hip, let out a deep sigh, rolled her eyes, and said "Do you want me to show you how to do it, Mammy? You're apposed (supposed in toddler language) to be a big girl." The funniest part? She actually did know how to operate it.

Ahahaha! Haven't we all been through this with modern technology

[Mammy]

You haven't lived until you've been scolded by a three year old. She's quite the drama queen. Lol

[Alanwench]

"Amarantha, four little words come to mind that you could tell your tenant that would vastly improve the situation...

GET THE FUCK OUT! "

[MoonRabbit]

"I like my big old granny panties, but I don't want them big enough to bunch up and make it look like I shit my pants." - Mammy


This one has me rolling on the floor!

There is another poster that has a really hilarious moniker about women fighting over shoes!
My husband and I crack up with that one too!

[Alanwench]

• "I agree that people look fatter in tight clothes. I especially hate the low rise stretchy jeans with a babydoll sleeved t-shirt that doesn't quite make it to the waist of the jeans. Their crack is hanging out in the back and the shirt is so tight that you can see the outline of a person's belly button. Their belly button looks like a cup holder."
• "Do the Lardasshians have any actual fans or are they legends in their own minds? It pisses me off to look at them and they don't even have to open their mouths."
• *About Halle Berry's dress* "That dress is hideous. It looks like it was made out of a bedspread that was stolen from Motel 6."
• *Regarding people who pour themselves into tight clothes who disregard muffin tops, etc.* "It just looks like twenty pounds of shit in a 10 pound bag."
• "My husband would shit himself if he knew I posted that little tidbit." Here's the tidbit:
• "Um, my husband wants sex as much as possible no matter what size I am. I've been sleeping with his boner resting in my crack for nearly twenty years now and I've heard no complaining out of him in that department EVER."
• *Mama June* "Not only does she not have a boyfriend, all of her children have different fathers which means MULTIPLE men have screwed her. The only explanation that makes sense to me is that she must be trolling for dick at a school for the blind."

[pwem]

This thread is an unending source of laughs for me.

[Alanwench]

• *Kardashians* "I long for the good old days when celebrities actually were expected to have some talent. It doesn't require a lot of acting skills to let a guy piss on you in a homemade porn movie."
• *Celebrities' lack of fashion sense* "These people have money rolling out of their asses and wear clothes that most people wouldn't be caught dead in."

[fiesty_pawz]

She is HARLIOUS i don't know her but she's HARLIOUS omg i love her.

[Alanwench]

Welcome, fiesty_pawz! It's good to see a fellow Buckeye at FAD.

[Alanwench]

"I don't want a hairy thirty five year old manchild who lounges around on the couch all day smelling like armpits and sweaty balls. His ass is going to work whether he likes it or not."

[PurrPurr]

My husband could drink water and it would make him fart. We call his asshole (no, not me, the other one) his pressure release valve.

I forgot about this gem until the fart thread was revisited!

[chrismon]

The best thing after a shitty day at work (who am I kidding, I work retail...every day is shitty) is coming here and reading Mammy's posts first.
Nothing brightens my day more than a Mammyism.

[Alanwench]

• *The Kardashians*
• "Won't her pregnant belly look awesome hanging over the front of those pants? They look like they were made from a Hefty garbage bag. I guess that's fitting for trash like her."
• *Kardashians...Hefty, Hefty, Hefty*
• "That would be a good endorsement for Hefty. I've never understood the appeal she has to people. Where I come from, those are child bearing hips and people would be calling her fat ass. She looks like she could knock lamps off the end tables with that big old thang."
• *Mammy talking about her hubby. No matter if he does all this, she loves him and that's the main thing.*
• "Besides my dearly beloved's perma boner, he also has morning breath that would make a buzzard puke, restless leg syndrome which keeps him kicking off and on all night, he rolls up in the blankets like a human burrito, farts like a barn animal, talks in his sleep, gets up to pee at least twice every night and flops like a dolphin every time he rolls over."
• "Ladies may not fart, but this old heifer can fire them off with the best of them."

[PurrPurr]

"Besides my dearly beloved's perma boner, he also has morning breath that would make a buzzard puke, restless leg syndrome which keeps him kicking off and on all night, he rolls up in the blankets like a human burrito, farts like a barn animal, talks in his sleep, gets up to pee at least twice every night and flops like a dolphin every time he rolls over."

Bahahahahaha!!! I can easily imagine this!

[Alanwench]

"Yeah, twiddling your tooter is free and a great way to pass your spare time. It's the gift that keeps on giving."

[Alanwench]

*Lindsay Lohan*
"I wondered about her nasty hands, too. Could it be self tanner? Lol, decomp sounds as plausible as anything else and her crotch probably has rotted away by now. Her teeth look like she's been eating shit."

[cindyt]

*Lindsay Lohan*
"I wondered about her nasty hands, too. Could it be self tanner? Lol, decomp sounds as plausible as anything else and her crotch probably has rotted away by now. Her teeth look like she's been eating shit."

Honey, I've seen her crotch and it's ugweeeeee. Attachment 45091

[Mammy]

We'll take your word for it. I don't want to see or smell her old rotten smoked oyster can. Ewwww!

[SomeChick]

About a week ago when I was having serious vision problems, I accidentally changed the title of this thread. That happened because I had another tab open and was pm'ing a member at the same time. So I've restored the title to it's original glory, minus the expletive. Reason being, Nick told us all awhile back that since the forum is an extension of and reflection of Scott's business, titles should be kept expletive free. To accomplish that, I simply replaced on letter with an asterisk. Feel free to shit, motherfucker, cocksucker all you want in posts as usual though. Anyway, sorry about the vision impaired mishap. My vision is getting much better thanks to my wonderful new opthomologist. And in the future, I will ask other mods for help when overloaded in an attempt to avoid these mishaps in the future.

As for the thread topic, yes members here have had me in stitches over the years. So many it's imppssible to name them all. Some of the originals like cleanskull, Axl, suckmykiss, Jason, Ichles, PVN73. Others who came along later like TheLuckyOne and Mammy. and many of our newer members to numerous to name. Not wanting to turn this into a popularity contest (those never go over well here so we don't have them), I'll just say that I find that I find most everyone here terribly funny.

So here's to all our members, the funniest bunch I've ever come across on any one website. I attribute that to Scott Michaels. The funniest death expert in the world who also participates in his own forum. Why? You no doubt know the answer but I'm gonna say it anyway:

One of us! One of us!

[Alanwench]

*Lindsay Lohan*
"I don't want to see or smell her old rotten smoked oyster can. Ewwww! " Now whenever I see a can of smoked oysters in the store, I will probably laugh.

[harlequin_clown]

I forgot about this gem until the fart thread was revisited!

Wait, there's a FART thread??? That's my FAVORITE subject! Point me! (no pun intended!)

[RiotBoots]

Heh.. I think this is it.. Don't ask me how I found it. http://www.findadeath.com/forum/show...highlight=fart

[harlequin_clown]

Thanks, RiotBoots! That's excellent! I'm home! LMAO

[PurrPurr]

Wait, there's a FART thread??? That's my FAVORITE subject! Point me! (no pun intended!)

Ask and you shall receive:

http://www.findadeath.com/forum/show...ht=facts+farts

[PurrPurr]

*What Are You Doing Right Now?*

Pondering the meaning of life. Nah, not really. I'm just scratching my ass.

[Wendy A.]

"I like my big old granny panties, but I don't want them big enough to bunch up and make it look like I shit my pants." - Mammy

I think of this every time I wear my husbands fleece pj bottoms under my jeans to work.. (we have no heat) I LOVE IT!!

[MirrorDimly]

Another Mammy gem:

"There is no way I could work in cosmetology or as a hair dresser. I'd choke some bitch before the first day was over. I'm not denying that I can be a bitch in the right situation, but I have to be provoked before I bust it out on anyone. I've told women at work before that I didn't give a damn whether they liked me or not. I'm there for a paycheck, not to be the homecoming queen."

Heh! Couldn't have said it better myself!!

[MirrorDimly]

*Lindsay Lohan*
"I don't want to see or smell her old rotten smoked oyster can. Ewwww! " Now whenever I see a can of smoked oysters in the store, I will probably laugh.

Ahhhhhhh, sick!!! And, el oh el.

[Alanwench]

"The expression on his old lady's face isn't much better. It looks like she farted and shit her pants instead."

[PurrPurr]

"The expression on his old lady's face isn't much better. It looks like she farted and shit her pants instead."

Bwahaaa!!! Maybe it actually happened!

[Alanwench]

"(Gynecologist in soothing voice) Miss Lohan, I'm just going to part the old meat curtains and have a peek inside.

(Lindsay) Go for it! Everyone else has! "

[Jenivere2011]

I just hope the doc doesn't forget his ole trusty gas mask.

[Domino]

"(Gynecologist in soothing voice) Miss Lohan, I'm just going to part the old meat curtains and have a peek inside.

(Lindsay) Go for it! Everyone else has! "

Meat curtains! LMAO! I haven't heard that in a very long time.

[Alanwench]

*Mammy is talking about Tonya Harding*
"Dear Tonya, I know they manufacture shirts that are bigger than that. I'm wearing one as we speak. You are as pale as the Pillsbury Doughboy and not even half as cute as he is. Cover that shit up, nobody wants to see your old boobs and your neck and chest skin with the consistency of a rubber chicken. I would like to thank you for making me wish I was blind for the first time in my life."

[Alanwench]

You can't discuss Tonya Harding without bringing up Nancy Kerrigan. Here's Mammy on Nancy K.

"If you don't like Horsey Kerrigan, does that make you a neigh sayer? "

[Alanwench]

*Mammy on hairstyles*

"Yeah, one of my female coworkers said to me last week 'You didn't say anything about my hair! I'm thinking"You're right, I didn't say anything about your hair and you should be happy about that.'... "

[Alanwench]

• "Decisions, decisions...Maybe a big gulp of beaver piss would be more appropriate?"
• *Kardashians*
• "That wallowed out whore shouldn't have any problems giving birth. The baby will just fall out."
• "That was so bad. You'll smoke a cold turd in hell for that one."

[cindyt]

Dr. Fishhead:
YAY: I got coupons for a free mini candle and a free full size lotion or shower gel (getting the gel) at BBW. (No purchase necessary too!!! YAY)

SUCK: Gained 2 pounds.

Ich: Did you eat the candle and lotion/gel?

Attachment 48402

[Tony Trout]

• "And for God's sake, if you are going to sit there and grunt, moan, fart and finally make a splash, then a flush to keep other people from having to listen to that is nice."

AAAAAA---MEN! I was in the restroom of the local hospital here (my Mom and I had gone to see a friend that was incarcerated in there) and this guy (who was a business-suit type fella came outta there and when I (unlucky me) went into the stall (I don't use the urinals - I'd rather "do my business" in private) saw the longest turd I believe I'd ever seen! It was longer than the **** of the late John Holmes!

[Alanwench]

Driving: "Dad liked to tell me that I couldn't drive a nail in a hog's ass."
Final Arrangements:

• "Hell yeah! I want to be buried in my pajamas and fuzzy slipper socks. I told my husband if he sent me to the afterlife in a bra, I'd come back and haunt his ass!"
• "Not cremated for me! I'm hot natured and that would seem like a passive aggressive fuck you."

Bruce Jenner:

• He really needs a training bra."
• I think it's pretty clear what happened to Bruce. Kris was awarded his balls in the divorce and he decided he might as well make the best of it."

Mama June:

• "It's a shame the forklift didn't run over her head instead of her toe! It (her head) has plenty of space! There sure isn't anything else going on between those ears."
• Even Sugar Bear has a pulse. (Said in response to June going after the man who molested her daughter, mainly because the guy has a pulse). I'd be more concerned about his eyesight."
• "The whole bunch of them are like a bad Jeff Foxworthy joke."

Random Musings:
"It's a shame that Find A Grave doesn't give people the option of virtually pissing on someone's grave."

[findadeathaddict]

Driving: "Dad liked to tell me that I couldn't drive a nail in a hog's ass."
Final Arrangements:

• "Hell yeah! I want to be buried in my pajamas and fuzzy slipper socks. I told my husband if he sent me to the afterlife in a bra, I'd come back and haunt his ass!"
• "Not cremated for me! I'm hot natured and that would seem like a passive aggressive fuck you."

Bruce Jenner:

• He really needs a training bra."
• I think it's pretty clear what happened to Bruce. Kris was awarded his balls in the divorce and he decided he might as well make the best of it."

Mama June:

• "It's a shame the forklift didn't run over her head instead of her toe! It (her head) has plenty of space! There sure isn't anything else going on between those ears."
• Even Sugar Bear has a pulse. (Said in response to June going after the man who molested her daughter, mainly because the guy has a pulse). I'd be more concerned about his eyesight."
• "The whole bunch of them are like a bad Jeff Foxworthy joke."

Random Musings:
"It's a shame that Find A Grave doesn't give people the option of virtually pissing on someone's grave."

Good ones! My signature is the second Mammy quote for me. She's a hoot.

[McCourt]

I agree with everyone about Mammy's awesome sense of humor but even better than that is that she's just really nice. She was one of the first people here to reach out to me and she was so welcoming. You're much appreciated Mammy!!