Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 51 to 100 of 146

Thread: Members here funnier than "Sh*t My Dad Says."

  1. #51
    PurrPurr Guest
    You better make sure that cat can't get in your room while you are asleep or you are likely to have a horny cat humping away on your head.
    I'm sorry, but I had to LMAO at this one!

  2. #52
    Mammy Guest
    Thanks again everyone! You all make an old hag feel good.

    Okay, PurrPurr, there is a story about what you quoted. I had a housecat that my husband surprised me with when she was six weeks old. She was black and marbled looking with tan on her. As soon as she got old enough to start going into heat, did she ever. She was unbearable to be around with the howling, climbing walls, climbing curtains, running up and down the hall as fast as possible and sounding like a horse in the process, and humping on anything she could get hold of. I know she couldn't help it, but it was unnerving and disgusting. We finally took her and had her spayed and all was well, for about three months, then it started back over again. We were in total disbelief. She acted just exactly like she did before being spayed. We called the vet who did her surgery and he said it was possible that a tiny bit of an ovary may have been missed, but it of course would require another surgery. We asked if it would be included in what we already paid. Duh, of course not. So, he did another surgery and did indeed find a little bit of ovary that he had missed the first time. We take her home and all is well for another couple of months. Guess what? It started all back over again, after basically being spayed twice. We decided that the vet must have been a quack and took her to another vet in another county. He checked her out and shocked the hell out of us. He said that one in every thousand cats who are spayed can regenerate ovaries. Yes, we had the one in a thousand cat. No matter how many surgeries this cat could have, eventually her ovaries would grow back. I know this sounds insane, but it's what he told us and we had never heard of such a thing and weren't real happy after spending over six hundred dollars on this "free kitten" and still putting up with her horny self. So, to make a long story slightly less long, the vet put this cat on birth control pills designed specifically for cats called Ovaban. We had to give her one pill a week for the rest of her life or put up with her in heat. The pills cost $1.15 each and this vet in another county that was an hour from where we live is the only place around where they were available. If anyone has tried to force a pill down a cat's throat, they know what an adventure this turned out to be. The pills also took a couple of weeks to have any effect on her behavior. Those were two weeks from hell. We live close to train tracks and never hear trains go by when we are asleep, but you could hear this cat howling over anything else in the home. My son woke up one morning and she had come into his room. She woke him up hunching away on his head and pillow and there were little wet spots where she had been. Yes, little wet spots. He puked because of it. That long and likely boring story is the reason for my advice. Weird huh?

  3. #53
    MrsE1981 Guest
    Hahahahahahahahahaha this thread has cheered me right up

    Funny as fuck.

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    Poor Mammy's son. He has a horny, wet pussy on his bed and it's the wrong species!
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  5. #55
    Mammy Guest
    LMAO, and don't think for a minute that he didn't hear every variation of that every chance we got! He still nearly pukes just thinking about it.

  6. #56
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    2,607
    Quote Originally Posted by Alanwench View Post
    Poor Mammy's son. He has a horny, wet pussy on his bed and it's the wrong species!
    Haaaa! Yep, a one-in-a-thousand pussy!! Who the frick ever heard of a cat that can regenerate its own ovaries indefinitely?!? Too bad her powers can't be used for good instead of evil! Move over, stem cell research...here comes something meatier...
    "We've had threads about guys fucking picnic tables, animals and dead bodies. Third boob ain't going to stop a damn thing." - cleanskull

  7. #57
    PurrPurr Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Alanwench View Post
    Poor Mammy's son. He has a horny, wet pussy on his bed and it's the wrong species!
    Ahahahahaha! Priceless! I have to show this to the man when he visits tomorrow.

  8. #58
    Mammy Guest
    From all of your responses, obviously none of you had ever heard of our cat problem either. We were stunned to the point our mouths were hanging open and my husband actually uttered, "You've gotta be shittin' me" to the vet before he ever really thought about it. We had a lot of money invested in that damn cat for nothing.

  9. #59
    PurrPurr Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Mammy View Post
    From all of your responses, obviously none of you had ever heard of our cat problem either. We were stunned to the point our mouths were hanging open and my husband actually uttered, "You've gotta be shittin' me" to the vet before he ever really thought about it. We had a lot of money invested in that damn cat for nothing.
    To be honest, I haven't. Of course, all my cats are male, two of them already neutered when I got them. I got the third de-nutted almost right away, because not only did I NOT want him contributing to the already overrun cat population, but also prevent him from spraying.

  10. #60
    Mammy Guest
    I've never told anyone about the cat who had heard of such a thing. Apparently the problem exists since there was actually a pill manufactured to treat the problem, but what are the chances? One in a thousand cats and it just happened to be the one that he liked the coloring of and brought home to surprise me? He surprised me alright, and himself, too!

  11. #61
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *Mammy on Mama June:
    *"Why do I itch uncontrollably every time I see a picture of that nasty beast?
    "I don't know if there is that much flea dip on the planet!"

    *Kardashians*
    "I can't wait to see what kind of dumbass name they put on that poor child. They'll have more trouble delivering its fat ass than its head."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  12. #62
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    Quote Originally Posted by Mammy View Post
    LMAO, and don't think for a minute that he didn't hear every variation of that every chance we got! He still nearly pukes just thinking about it.
    Your son could write a Mammy's Greatest Hits book, he could call it Mammy Dearest.
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  13. #63
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    Quote Originally Posted by PurrPurr View Post
    Ahahahahaha! Priceless! I have to show this to the man when he visits tomorrow.
    Thanks, PurrPurr.
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  14. #64
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    247
    I don't post often, but I do so enjoy Mammy's words of wisdom. Always gives me a smile. Keep it up please!

  15. #65
    Wendy A. Guest
    one of my favorite Mammy quotes is the one about a naked Danny Bonaduce looking like he has Carrot Top in a head lock! there's so many that I love, but that one has always stuck with me... kinda like the gnats on June's hammer toe.

  16. #66
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    "I'd tell him to kiss my coarse ass! "
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  17. #67
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Houston, TX
    Posts
    2,266
    "My fingernails look like they have been gnawed off by dingos."

    just saw this. this made me LOL

  18. #68
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    18
    Thank you Allenwrench for all of the Mammyisms - I am still fairly new to the boards and I always enjoy Mammy's insights and pithy comments - keep them coming and a book is definitely worth consideration!

  19. #69
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    2,670
    Let me also bow before the "Great Mammy Shrine". Is there a collection box and shall I genuflect?

  20. #70
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *Concerning Kim Kardashian*
    "I hope she gets stretch marks so bad that it looks like Edward Scissorhands has got a hold of her. "
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  21. #71
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    2,607
    Quote Originally Posted by LLC View Post
    Let me also bow before the "Great Mammy Shrine". Is there a collection box and shall I genuflect?


    I know that Mammy's very humble; she didn't ask for all this attention...but she's so quotable that mods have had to tell us to tone it down on other threads when we laud her witticisms! Now we can spare the other threads and dedicate this one properly!

    Edward Scissorhands...heh!
    "We've had threads about guys fucking picnic tables, animals and dead bodies. Third boob ain't going to stop a damn thing." - cleanskull

  22. #72
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *Comment about child killer Susan Smith*
    "Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who did what she did? It would be like sticking your pecker in a hornet's nest. "
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  23. #73
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    "I hope if there is such a thing as reincarnation after death that I come back in the next life as a housecat. I want to lay on the couch all day, get up long enough to get something to eat or take a crap, then return to the couch to lick my ass and take a nap."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  24. #74
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *Concerning Woody Allen*
    "I'm thinking that God will be more interested in what that old pervert was doing sampling Soon Yi's girly stuff."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  25. #75
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    The Sticks
    Posts
    37,601
    Quote Originally Posted by Alanwench View Post
    Poor Mammy's son. He has a horny, wet pussy on his bed and it's the wrong species!
    ((((Snort))))
    GOD IS NOT DEAD





  26. #76
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *Concerning the demise of child killer Susan Smith*

    • "Personally, I don't see why her manner of death would need to be complicated. Just shove her in a hay baler and call it a day. "
    • "If my ambition was any feebler today, I would no longer have a pulse."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  27. #77
    pwem Guest
    I was telling friends about Mammy and this thread today. All I remembered was the Danny Bonaduce quote and everyone was laughing so hard they were in tears. I think they may be by to take a peek.

  28. #78
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    California
    Posts
    262
    My boyfriend loves the Mammy sayings......I'm always laughing out loud and he's looking at me like I'm crazy..........then I show him what Mammy wrote and he's laughing too

  29. #79
    NOVSTORM Guest
    OMG THis was tooooooooo funny..thanks for the side ache LOL

  30. #80
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    • *About Lindsay Lohan* "I know that she is supposedly having financial problems, but surely to God the bitch can afford shampoo. Her hair looks like it was combed with a pork chop."
    • *The Batman movie killer in Colorado* "People have a crush on this guy? WTF? He even looks like a deranged lunatic. Who could look at him and think,'I'd like to have me some of that?' It would be like cracking Ronald McDonald."
    • *Child-killer Susan Smith* "Ooh, yeah. Robert Pickton would be perfect to get rid of her. I would feel sorry for the pigs, though."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  31. #81
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Southern Indiana
    Posts
    4,191
    Oh Mammy, the cat story, what the hell????? Never heard of that before....sorry but LMAO.

    Where is the Danny Bonaduce picture you speak of that cracks me up???? Is it on a thread here? I haven't seen it but I have the giggles just thinking of it.

  32. #82
    Timeo Vitae Guest
    I meant to add all of the Mammy quotes that I've remembered, but after reading through this thread, I'm laughing too damn hard to concentrate. So I'll just add my THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU MAMMY and DON'T EVER QUIT!

  33. #83
    PurrPurr Guest
    Ooh, I can't wait to dive off of my press platform with my arms stretched out in front of me like Superman! I can do a little happy dance for every container I fill up with parts.


    Ahahahaha!!!

  34. #84
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    "Has he been kissing your ass or trying to avoid you? I think he could use a little pep talk, somewhere along the lines of 'Don't make me go all Betty Broderick on your ass unless it is your goal in life to be featured on an episode Snapped.'"
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  35. #85
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    "Ooh, can I go on the body disposal field trip? I can bring brownies and duct tape."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  36. #86
    1karenhb Guest
    Add me to the long list of Mammy fans. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

  37. #87
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    "I suspect that there are pictures around of most people that aren't the most flattering and makes them look nuttier than squirrel shit, too." Mammy, you just described the pic on my driver's license and any picture of me taken between ages 1 to now.
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  38. #88
    Pryncis Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Alanwench View Post
    "I suspect that there are pictures around of most people that aren't the most flattering and makes them look nuttier than squirrel shit, too." Mammy, you just described the pic on my driver's license and any picture of me taken between ages 1 to now.
    Speaking of pictures, the advertisement on your last post about pictures was none other than Lindsey Lohan! Mammy was right. She does look like she combed it with a pork chop!

    Attachment 44931

  39. #89
    Mammy Guest
    Thank you all for the nice things you say about me. I'm glad that my goofiness can make people laugh sometimes. I've had a really bad day and it actually made me tear up to read this thread, but it made me feel good to know people here like my posts. I really enjoy talking to fellow death hags. Believe me, your posts are very much appreciated.

  40. #90
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    I hope you're having a much better day, Mammy. You deserve lots of smiles.

    "I'm also the first born in my family. I'm easy to get along with as long as people do exactly what I say when I say to do it. Lol."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  41. #91
    UniPolarMommaBear Guest
    I have a personal favourite from Our Lady of Holy Sarcasm:
    *on sex with Octomom* - "be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway...yodel a whooooo"
    Pepsi through nostrils isn't cool, or pain less. Jus sayin'

  42. #92
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,652
    *About Scott Vieira, the aptly named "Grim Reaper" who worked at The Station*
    "From the way Scott was portrayed in "Killer Show," he seems to have been as worthless as tits on a boar hog even before the fire."
    "What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about?" Jimmy Buffett

  43. #93
    MoonRabbit Guest
    Mammy is a gem!

  44. #94
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Natchez Ms
    Posts
    3,738
    Yes Mammy is the coolest. She was the very first person to friend me and is always checking in to see how things are going. She does say the funniest shit too. Besides that, the woman is like a crime database. She really keeps the police blotter thread interesting. Her memory for details amazes me often. She can compare most crimes to other crimes of the like and thus add extra insight.

    Mammy, you rock!
    I am the king of all things stupid!

  45. #95
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    2,607
    Quote Originally Posted by UniPolarMommaBear View Post
    I have a personal favourite from Our Lady of Holy Sarcasm:
    *on sex with Octomom* - "be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway...yodel a whooooo"
    One of my Top Ten Mammy faves, too!

    I was scrolling through old crime threads on this forum (because, you know, there hasn't been enough *interesting* murder and/or mayhem lately...*sigh*..."Mom, I'm BORED!!!"). Turns out there are some AMAZING Mammy nuggets on the thread of one of her favorite people, Pamela Smart (the chick that manipulated her teenaged lover into murdering her husband for her...nice):

    - Damn, when I saw her thread, I was hoping someone shanked her ass! Oh well, I guess she can go right on being miserable in prison. HAHAHA, Pam, you worthless cunt!
    - Yes, I have seen pictures of her lately and she looks like microwaved shit. That just pleases me to no end. She always had such a high opinion of herself and I hope she ends up looking like Aileen Wuornos. She has a steel plate in her face from having the hell beat out of her several years ago in prison. Couldn't have happened to a nicer person. [She *does* look like Aileen Wuornos now! And she definitely looks like microwaved shit!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAAAA!!!]
    - [love this one - a poetic rant] What gets to me about the prison wives is that a lot of them will say "I never expected to be married to someone in prison. He just swept me off my feet when I wasn't even looking for love." What that translates down to for me is "I know I look like a fucking fruitcake for marrying a prisoner, but it's different for us than everyone else. Those other prison wives are nuttier than squirrel shit, but my man is innocent and our's is a true love story!" Um, yeah. I wonder what they would think about their own daughter marrying someone in prison? Tami Menendez even wrote a book called "They Said We'd Never Make It." Isn't that heartwarming? I wouldn't read that bullshit if I was paid to. I wonder why some dude hasn't married Pam's old wrinkled ass? Father time has been cruel to her, but she deserves it.
    - [not directly about Pamela Smart, but on her thread] Doesn't the name Chess King instantly take you back 25 years? Those sweaters were so ugly, but there was a Chess King in nearly every mall.
    - Yes, how could I forget that these extra special wives bring out the rainbows and bunny rabbits in their kind, sensitive husband? "He's just misunderstood!" "He was railroaded and is innocent!" "Nobody understands him like I do!" It's easy to put up a front and make everything sound like a fairytale when she goes home and leaves him in prison where she doesn't have to put up with him pissing all over the toilet seat and leaving his shitty drawers laying in the floor. I need a Benson and Hedges and some Mad Dog just thinking about it! LOL
    - Don't forget a crunchy mullet full of mousse and Aqua Net!

    Guess I almost copy/pasted the whole freakin' thread. But ain't that good stuff?! Mammy, you are so right on!!
    "We've had threads about guys fucking picnic tables, animals and dead bodies. Third boob ain't going to stop a damn thing." - cleanskull

  46. #96
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    2,607
    Dang...now *I'm in the mood for a Benson and Hedges and some Mad Dog! Could make for an interesting Friday night...
    "We've had threads about guys fucking picnic tables, animals and dead bodies. Third boob ain't going to stop a damn thing." - cleanskull

  47. #97
    Mammy Guest
    LOL, you found stuff I don't even remember saying, not that it is a bad thing. My opinions about those topics haven't changed in the least. Pam seems to make my horns pop out of my forehead. I feel the same way about Betty Broderick. They are both a waste of flesh.

    McMorbid, I got a chuckle out of being called a crime database. I have followed true crime for years and have a good memory. I'm not saying that I'm never wrong though. One of the best things about this forum is that we can discuss topics amongst ourselves that would freak out a person who isn't a death hag. My Mom has always acted like I'm a half step away from being an ax murderer for being interested in crimes.

  48. #98
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Natchez Ms
    Posts
    3,738
    I have to admit that police blotter is my favorite aspect of fad. I too have always been a crime buff. You have personally sent me off searching the net more times than I could ever count. You remember so many things that I forget. You are a very important contributor and I always enjoy your clever word plays. My wife looks at me like I'm a half step from an ax murderer too. It's mostly because I mention a horrible crime and then spit soda everywhere laughing when I read your posts.

    Mirror, you pulled up some gems there. I don't know anyone that can snap it out like Mammy. Your mention of Mad Dog just flashed me back to the bad ole days. I feel sick and for some reason miss my first girlfriend. I taste liquor and jolly ranchers.
    Last edited by McMorbid; 01-11-2013 at 07:01 PM.
    I am the king of all things stupid!

  49. #99
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    NoVa
    Posts
    2,607
    Quote Originally Posted by McMorbid View Post
    Your mention of Mad Dog just flashed me back to the bad ole days. I feel sick and for some reason miss my first girlfriend. I taste liquor and jolly ranchers.
    Haaaa! Now that's snappin' a good one out!
    "We've had threads about guys fucking picnic tables, animals and dead bodies. Third boob ain't going to stop a damn thing." - cleanskull

  50. #100
    MrsE1981 Guest
    I love true crime, but my knowledge pales into insignificance compared to Mammy... I tend to read more than I post on the police blotter, but I love it!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •